OUR
REGULAR GAME NO. 15
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One of
the oldest ways to sell more newspapers (or magazines or TV time) is to
publish a list of the best — or worst — of anything. People like lists so much, in fact, that they don’t even
care how stupidly they are compiled.
I am continually amazed to read lists ranking everything from
rutabaga to plastic surgeons that are put together by people who don’t
have a clue about what makes one rutabaga or plastic surgeon better than
another. In fact, when you
read these lists, you sometimes wonder if whoever put it together can
even tell the difference between a rutabaga and a plastic surgeon.
Don’t get me wrong; this ain’t sour grapes.
In my time, I’ve been put on any number of “best” lists
(and probably more than a few of the other kind, too).
I guess, though, I’m like Groucho Marx, who said he never
wanted to be in any club that would have him for a member.
I mean, if I make someone’s “best” list, what can they
know?
So I surrender. I
guess I’ll follow the rest of the media and pander to the lowest
common denominator (don’t think you’re not the lowest common
denominator, either, or you wouldn’t be here in the first place).
Herewith are a few of my favorite lists for the world of golf.
For my best dressed in all of golf, the award goes to the late
Payne Stewart. Pure
elegance, no doubt about it. Those
plus fours reminded us of a bygone era in which golfers played in shirts
and ties. The worst dressed
is just as easy: Jesper Parnevik. Hey,
Jesper, disco is out, brother.
How about the best course? My
list has a first place tie between Augusta National and Cypress Point.
Both designed by Alister MacKenzie, by the way.
It’s been my privilege to play both, and they are as close to a
religious experience as you can get, Augusta because of the wonderful
Masters tradition and Cypress Point because of the unbelievable natural
beauty of the place. I
mean, what can you say about a course in which grazing deer gather
around the greens to watch you putt?
The worst course? That’s
a lot harder call. I
don’t want to single anyone out.
Let’s just say that any course that’s poorly maintained or
that you can’t walk deserves consideration.
Best record in golf? Right
now, it belongs to Jack Nicklaus, who’s won twenty major championships:
Six Masters, five PGAs, four U.S. Opens, three British Opens, and two U.S.
Amateurs.
Worst record in golf? That
probably belongs to me. If
they kept a category entitled “Most bogeys made with wedge from middle
of fairway,” which we call the famous MBMWWFMOF statistic, I’m your
guy. I can hit more greens
with a three-wood than a wedge, so I’m claiming that one.
Best clubs? Any set I’m about to buy.
They’re always perfect on the rack in the pro shop.
Worst set of clubs? Any
set I’ve just bought. The
minute title passes to me, something terrible happens to them.
Best Rule of Golf? It’s
a tie between any of the ones my opponents don’t know and the rule
against preferred lies. Anyone
who bumps the golf just ain’t playing golf in my book.
Worst Rule of Golf? The
one that says my opponents don’t have to concede three-footers to me.
There’s a whole lot more, but we’re out of time.
We’ll cover the rest next time.
Until then, may the flagstick get in the way of your ball on every
shot to the green.
About the Author
J. Michael Veron is the acclaimed author of The
Greatest Player Who Never Lived and The
Greatest Course That Never Was. His third novel, tentatively titled
The Caddie, is scheduled for release in the spring of 2002.
Mike's work has earned him the title of "master
of fiction" from USA Today, and Travel and Leisure Golf Magazine
has called him "The
John Grisham of Golf." In addition, the New York Times hailed The
Greatest Player as "Golf's
Literary Rookie of the Year," and the Seattle Times ranked The
Greatest Player as second on its all-time list of "Five Wonderful
Golf Books." At one time,
The Greatest Player and The
Greatest Course were the first and third best-selling sports fiction
in the country.
Please contact us
for more information on Mike and his work.
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